Do Not Prank Call Jim
Occurred: Winter 2008

Here's a classic one. I'm talking to this little honey bunny online who I've known for a few years. She saw me rapping at a Coup De'tat show and has loved me ever since. She's short, blond, model thin, and has a beautiful face. I met her just as she was turning legal age and shortly after her birthday I gave her, her present. We hadn't hooked up in a few years but we were still on friendly terms. We were both out in the Haaaaamptons so I asked her if she wanted to hang out. I was being playful with my language and was mostly typing in rhyme. I had just gotten my designer phone number and I had spammed it a few times in jest.  She couldn't resist my charms and I left to pick her up. 

We hung out and drank a few beers catching up with each other. I had a good time seeing my old friend, but for the most part the night was uneventful. I dropped her off a bit later and went to sleep. Unfortunately, I had neglected to remember something I always seem to forget. This little honey bunny has a twin brother and they both have a lot of friends. There are always people at their house and the computer is in a shared room.

I wake up the next morning and see Asterix has several new messages.  I hit play. 

There was nothing of substance. They were generic, retarded, prank phone calls. The callers repeated the name of my phone number in a drunken slur over and over again. The guys who left these messages lacked style. I mean okay, you got me. You read my number from your sister's chat conversation and left a few voice-mails. Where's the subtlety? Where's the humor? Where is the funny!?!? Adding insult to injury, they didn't even bother blocking the caller ID. Noobs. I recognized the exchange code as a local block set aside for Verizon cell phones. I decided I'd call the number back and say hi. Two rings and I'm abruptly sent to voicemail. "Hey this is Chad, chaaa left a message." Chad is the name of one of Honey Bunny's brother's friends. 

I think hard for a few minutes and decide I need to show these guys how you execute a prank phone call. It's a Monday morning and I'm very rapidly approaching a software deadline. I don't want to waste too much of my time and these kids. They are no match for me. I decide to take it easy and go with a classic SMS bomb. 

I open up my custom Asterix script and configure a mild annoyance. Three hundred messages out over ninety minutes. With one message every eighteen seconds the tower shouldn't kick them off.

I craft up the message "YeS halo this is DR. Montanumbo Baszlia. I am here to sell P3N1$ pill m@ke large envy nieghbor happy erect time. YOU WOLDN"T BELEVE HOW B1G!!!!!!! I haz b0th g3l likquid and tablit form. Plz responad asap 4 greatest deal".

 I run the script and start work for the day with a smile. I haven't heard back from those guys, I guess they know Not To Prank Call Jim.